I’m just going to be raw and honest. I sometimes romanticize with using. For instance, yesterday I went to Target to get some things. The lady in front of me had one thing in her hand. Tin foil. I immediately started going back in time thinking about smoking pills.
When this happens I quickly catch myself. When I start going to those thoughts I immediately search deep within and think about how much pain and damage that can cause. Or what some call “playing the tape all the way through”
I look around at my surroundings. I go home. I put on some music. Music is my outlet. I take everything in and soul search. I remind myself of the all the beauty in my life today. Everything I’ve worked hard for.
And then I look at my daughter. & any thought I had for that moment goes away. The selfishness goes away. Because I know I could never hurt her again. When I look into her eyes I know she needs me. She needs me to be the mom that I am today. I couldn’t imagine ever causing her pain again.
I try to always make sure that I keep the pain I’ve caused my child close to my heart and fresh in my mind because I want to always remember what it felt like to hear those words “I wish I had a new mommy” So I never go back to a place that causes her to feel like that again.
We are supposed to let go of guilt and shame when we get clean but for me some of that guilt… Is what I think, keeps me clean.
I wish there was a “cure all” for this disease but there isn’t. The cure is putting the work in for yourself.
Unfortunately I think It’s pretty common to have these kind of thoughts as addicts. As long as we don’t act on them. We will be okay 💕💕💕
Spirit Lead Me by Hillsong United is a song that I listen to when I really am just having a shitty day.